My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
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Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
starting a garage orchestra
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
This made me smile…
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster