The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
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Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Omg 🤣
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
#polloftheday
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I have a type: disappointing
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩