“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
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I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait