*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
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A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
This was my dad’s browser history.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Body by sandwich.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake