I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
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date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.