Me trying to walk in a dream
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“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog