Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
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“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Something Saturday.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.