the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
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when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Happy Thanksgiving
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Salad is the decaf of food.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)