Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
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*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Every photo I’m tagged in
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
My dog ate my work from home.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.