” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
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My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
If snakes were wide
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?