cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
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[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
And that about sums it up.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Meanwhile in Portland…
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
They’re the worst 😩
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”