i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
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Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I am also baked goods
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler