*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
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Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.