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just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need