Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
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How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police