I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
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*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?