[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
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today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…