Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
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She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats