A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
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Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?