Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
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Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
best first i’ve ever seen
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
I have never heard an armadillo before.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that