I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
You Might Also Like
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Still a very good boi….
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I bet birds love this building.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws