The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
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“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
@funTweeters
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan