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This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don鈥檛 try to weigh you.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I鈥檓 still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
If there鈥檚 a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I鈥檒l buy your competitor鈥檚 product even if I don鈥檛 need it.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
It鈥檚 embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people鈥攖hat life鈥檚 not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I鈥檇 say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
What鈥檚 the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster鈥檚 funeral?
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive