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[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
translated into Canadian
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My Guy
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood