Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Baller is short for ballerina
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…