I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
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Alexa, make out with the Roomba
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.