When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
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BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.