You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
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My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.