You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
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card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don鈥檛. I want money.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I鈥檓 not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
wtf is an acronym
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it鈥檚 like a sleepover but without the sleep
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald鈥檚 drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.