I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
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Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Bike is short for Bichael.