Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
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My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.