And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
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robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
cry laughing at this shit
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Not😆🤣
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich