I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
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Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
When you’re here for the treats.
🖤✌🏽
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I wanna be friends with this person
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat