Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
You Might Also Like
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked