Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
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(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.