DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.