Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
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*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I have no passwords left in me
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Can. I. Help. You.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.