*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
im all 3
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.