Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
You Might Also Like
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives