*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.