What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
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*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.