Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
You Might Also Like
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
A wise man once said nothing.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Unexpected Judgment
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
This pepper has seen some shit
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
That’s classic.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.