when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
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I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
My therapist after every session
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN