detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
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Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Wait a second…
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
getting old is fun
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
synchronized noseblowing
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.