If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
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USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”