Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
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I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”