Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
You Might Also Like
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Name this drama.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.