Me: don’t ππΌ judge π other π people π be kind βπΌπ
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see youβve all been doing a good job without me.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds βfitβ to bio before collapsing]
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is whoβs supposed to take care me me when Iβm old.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. youβre walking. not paying attention. you fall. now youβre chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Sometimes I swear Iβm reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time itβs a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food