My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
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The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Doctors texting each other.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I’m putting together a team
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.