[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
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[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.